Have you ever experienced heartbreak? Like the kind of heartbreak that makes your chest tighten, your body ache, and makes you think that you will never heal? Well I'm here to tell you that I've experienced it and it f*cking hurt.
I remember my six month old son laying on the couch crying because guess what? I was crying. We had gotten to the point in our lives where our emotions were intertwined and what I felt, he felt. I was experiencing such a massive heartbreak that I did not know how I was going to wake up the next day and it was starting to take a toll on my son.
But let's rewind a bit, because I am pretty sure you wondered how we got here? I have always lived my life doing what other people felt was "right" for me. A year earlier, I found out that I was pregnant and I was SCARED for a plethora of reasons. Would I be a good mom? Would people judge me? What was motherhood? So many questions raced through my mind as I liked at the positive pregnancy test sitting on my sink. So many people around us were pressuring us to get married and "do the right thing" for our son. Truthfully though, we were nowhere near being ready for marriage. Those pressures mounted on top of a newly budding relationship laid the foundation for a toxic and high stress marriage. We were young and doing what was best for us but when our son was born we realized we had to do what was best for him. The best solution was a divorce. Yep, you read that right... a divorce.
Twenty five years old, married for only eleven months, a new mom and divorced; a gut wrenching pain, a gut wrenching feeling of failure. I had no idea I was going to make it. How could I navigate my own heartbreak while also having to raise a baby?
One day a close friend of mine told me "You are either going to stay stuck in this moment, or prepare for a better future", and it clicked in my mind that the hurt is only temporary. Healing is the next step after hurting. I had to challenge myself to wake up each day and be present with my pain but also not let it consume me. It was hard and some days I cried myself to sleep. Then one day, the crying stopped. The smiling started and my heart did not feel so broken.
A little over a year later and I feel amazing. Not saying that there are not days where I think about what things could have been. Not saying that there are not days where I am not exhausted. But, I know in my heart that I have evolved so much as a person; as a mother.
To anyone out there feeling broken and bruised I just want you to know that healing f*cking hurts. You get up with bruised knees, scratched skin, and a heart that is tired but the most important of that sentence is.... that you GET UP. Don't let the hurt hinder you from healing.
With love, Jasmine
Books to Help You Heal:
Healing Hurts But So Does Staying The Same, $20 (available via the "Shop" button)
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, $11.91 (via https://bookshop.org/shop/Semicolonchi)